“Ask Jill”

From  Jill’s “Get the Edge!” quarterly newsletter:

QUESTION:
I freeze up at cocktail parties and business events. I’m not comfortable making small talk and end up hanging out with the people I already know. I know I need to meet more people at these things, but I don’t think I really have anything interesting to say. 

JILL’S ANSWER:
You’re not alone! Many people fear small talk and some even skip networking events altogether because of that. Here’s my recommendation: Before you go to any event, make a list of things you have to share and things you need to learn or find.  I’ll bet that, if you think about it, you have a movie or TV show to recommend, a new restaurant you like, or a great website you’ve discovered. And you may be on the hunt for a new condo, business books to read, or babysitters in the neighborhood.   Any of these can be conversation starters and also come in handy when there’s an awkward lull in the conversation.  Another good idea is to watch the local and national news before you go or scan a publication like “USA Today”.  You can get up to speed quickly on headline stories, sports scores, and entertainment news.  Good luck!

QUESTION: 
Do men really need lots of different shoes in their closet? All I’ve got are black lace-up shoes I wear to work, some loafers and running shoes.  And do I need to do something special to take care of my shoes?

JILL’S ANSWER: 
This is one area where I’d like to see men do as the women do – buy more shoes!  One pair of shoes is not going to work with everything you wear or everywhere you go.  What you need is a wardrobe of shoes.  Select cap-toe tie shoes for your dressiest suits.  For a trendier suit-with-no-tie look, try slip-ons w/tassels. Sport coats + slacks = thin to medium leather or rubber-sole shoes.  Khakis & golf shirts need medium to thick-sole shoes or loafers.  In general, the thinner the sole, the dressier the shoe.  Get the heels replaced as soon as they start to wear down.  Insert shoe trees to help shoes keep their shape when not being worn. Polish shoes regularly with the thick, creamy polish for sale in shoe repair stores, not the waxy type sold in tins.  

QUESTION:
If someone gives me ten presents, should I mention all ten specifically in the thank you note, or just my favorite three? Listing ten things seems tedious for both the writer and the reader, but as the person has taken the time to pick out all ten, I wouldn’t want her to think that some were lost or unappreciated. I suppose I could ask my mother this question, but she is the person who buys me ten presents and stumps my normal thank you note formula every year! Thank you in advance for your help.

JILL’S ANSWER:
Thanks for your question.  It warms my heart to know that someone appreciates and knows the value of thank-you notes!  I agree with you that listing each one of the 10 gifts in the note would get tedious.  I think you’re on the right track – mention a few in particular and how you plan to wear them/display them, etc.  But I would also say something about her generosity and how much you appreciate the time and effort it took to select 10 such wonderful/personal/fun gifts.  That way, you let her know you received the full number she sent you. Hope that helps!

QUESTION:
I hate conflict and I’m not very good at handling it, especially in the office.  Some people just drive me crazy!  What can I say or do that will help me deal with my anxiety and their rudeness?

JILL’S ANSWER:
If it’s a minor annoyance, come up with some coping strategies, such as wearing noise reduction headphones, moving to a conference room for a short time, putting up a “do not disturb’ sign at your cube opening, or taking a coffee break.  If someone’s behavior needs to be addressed, share what the behavior is and how it affects you. “It’s difficult for me to concentrate when the radio is playing at a high volume.  Could we work out some arrangement that we’d both be happy with?” Remember to address the behavior, not them personally.  Using “I”, me”, and “my” statements, rather than “you” statements, will help to reduce tension and eliminate their flight-or-fight response.  Stay focused on today’s problem; don’t bring up everything they’ve done to annoy you in the past.  Speaking with a calm, soothing tone will also help.

QUESTION:
When I do presentations at my work, I often find that, because of a question that is asked, I have to race forward or back in my program in order to get to the pertinent slide.  Is there a way to do that without revealing the slides I haven’t gotten to yet?

JILL’S ANSWER:
Yes, there is a way, but it requires that you know the number assigned to every slide.  You’ll either need to print out your slides in some format and highlight each number or create your own notes that list each slide number for each presentation point.  If you need to jump to a slide out of order, simply type that slide’s number on the computer keyboard, then press Enter.  Voila!  You’ll jump immediately to the slide you need.  Then type the number of the slide you left and you can pick up where you were before the question was asked.